选择

一间屋子很多人进进出出，很多脸孔在街上徘徊。有陌生的，也有熟悉的，而我的心则是在“继续”与“放弃”之间徘徊。最近发生了一些事情，让我的信心就在那犹如流星划过天空的一瞬间消失了。。。终于我做了一个选择，我选择离开你们，毕竟我们的想法实在是太不一样了。那些日子里，有开心的也有心酸的，我也从中受益良多，但问题始终还是解决不了。只要一天有佩元在，我的烦恼还是会跟她共存，当初的我可能真的做错了决定。对她们严厉，只想她们有更完美的演出，结果得来的只是认为我欺负她们了，自以为是的评语以及等等。我做事情，不祈求得到称赞但也没必要给我这样的评语吧。或许现在读着这篇日记的你们觉得我很蠢，为了一个这样的人放弃了自己最喜欢的东西。但我不打算就这样放弃，等她们表演完了，我会创造一个全新的组合，呈现一个更精彩的演出！Everlasting BSB，你们加油吧！


佩元啊。。。既然你那么希望带领人，那我把整个队送你，所有事情你拿主意。很多问题都是来自于你那张嘴巴，有时你少出点声，没人会把你当哑巴！我真的很不想跟你合作，对我来说你往往都会把事情搞砸，幸亏我的组反对你加入，而且你也不配进我的组！恭喜你，成功了影响宝儿。这次我给你一个考验，以便提醒你那张嘴，成功的话，就恭喜你！失败的话，与我无关了，你就漫漫地跟他们交代吧！

嫣珊。。。说真的自从我听了那些流言后，我开始对你我之间的友情动摇了。我一直以为你很了解我，我对你说的那番话，我以为你会懂其中的含义，但我还是太高估你了。这次真的是我太自以为是了。雯晴说得对，我真的做得太错了，所以我选择放弃你们。你们应该也比较高兴，毕竟再也没有人管制你们了。其实我很想问你，你真的认为那天我是在欺负你吗？？





 

What A Day

Today is saturday, a day with tuition. I remember this morning was warm, lovely and comfortable in its adolesence. I woke up at 9a.m to have a chinese tuition class and I was teaching by my mom's friend. The teacher was absolutely funny because I was the one who ask question. The funniest is when I was asking her a question, she answered me" I'm asking you now, why do you ask me?" At the moment, I don't know what should I reply and how should I reply the question that she asked. The one thing that I knew was I couldn't tease her, because of my mom. Her teaching was not bad yet chinese. I noticed she had no confident to answer those questions that I asked because of those words she used to answer me. I think this is the main reason.


I came back from tuition centre at 7:30p.m. I had a nice dinner with my family and my mom was the chef. Before that, I already had a dinner with my friends at KFC reastaurant. So, I ate not much in the dinner which was having with my family. After that, I asked a permission from my father for going to Genting with friends in November. At first, he was satisfied whatever I said. When I mentioned 5persons in one room, he looks scary and angry. From the words he used, I knew he was extremely angry but I don't know the reason he angry. I really don't understand why was he angry. These days, I don't even know how should I communicate with my family, especially my parents.


How should I make a choice in love? I knew cs loves me so much and he really knows how to take care of me. Kim told me she prefer cs more than ts and en, she has no worry to let cs takes care of me. But still, I don't think we'll fall in love. I think the main reason comes from me. I was kinda happy to chat with ts in msn just now, I did tell myself he is falling in love with a girl that I know who she is. I feel sorry to cs, even he doesn't know it. It doesn't mean I don't love him, but his ambition is absolutely like a fairy tale story. I don't rely on him. Few months ago, he told me he found a job for filling up his time after spm. But few weeks ago, he told me he cancelled the job because it has no relation with his ambition in the future. I had nothing to say after he told me this.

。。。我很想离开这个家。。。

每个人都说“家”是一个很开心，很温软的地方，但为什么我越大就越不喜欢呢？最近我一直重复地问自己，也曾经很努力地寻找这个答案。最终，我还是找不到它。有时我宁愿去补习，也不愿待在家；宁愿在外面，也不想回家。以前的我很喜欢这个家，但最近的我已经不喜欢了。我甚至觉得待在这个家，很压力，只会悲伤而已。我只是想一个人待在家，但不想跟家人在一起。有时，我也想过如果我从没出世在这个家，那该有多好。如果上天没收了我的生命，也未必不是件好事。

有一天，我因为一些事情而跟父母吵架了。那一天，我们吵得很厉害。同时，我的心也更加封闭了。现在的我只想做一个他们开心就好的玩偶，反正说多了只会吵架而已。这一次的吵架，他们都觉得我就是那个罪毁祸首。或许我是，但他们有没有想过我只是需要一个拥抱而已，却换来了这样的代价。他们知道这是什么感觉吗？最近都在考试，压力很大，难免都会出错啊！难道不行吗？我不是一个没主意的人，只是心很乱，不知道要怎样做决定而已。这样都有错吗？

在这世界的原则还真不公平，父母可以毫无保留的伤害我们，残忍地摧毁我们软弱的心灵。我们却不可以，只要做了，都会被人认为这是不孝的行为。为什么？！难道就只因为他们生育我，养育我们，所以就有这个权利？！如果是这样的话，那我宁远离开他们又或者未曾来过这个世界。面对他们，我只有无奈，悲伤以及一些等等的负面情绪。我不是要很奢侈的要求，只是希望你们可以用心去听，去探索我另一面而已，不行吗？

这一次，我真的累了。。。我已经负担不了那承重的包裹了。。。无奈。。。压力。。。悲伤。。。一切的一切，我都想把他们统统都丢到一边去。累了，真的累了。。。

How Should I Solve It?

I hate to talk to my parents recently. The worst is I don't want to talk to them not even a single word. To be honest, they really broke my heart after those stupid fighting. I feel desperate to them and I don't want to face them. I answered their question as short as I can and I feel nothing to say to them. I don't want to tell them about my secret or sadness anymore, cause they will mention it and break my heart when we fight. I think they noticed my weird acting and they asked me the reason, but I don't want to answer it. I seldom have my dinner at night because I am not in mood to have it. What and how should I do? Who can help me, pls? Anyone? HAIZzzz...

Our relationship is getting better now, we chat in msn but at school. Even though I answered "oo", he will also type some sentences. His answer is getting longer and longer. I felt happy for that, but I am worrying about something now. I realised he looks at shuyen sometimes, but I am not sure for that because I always stick with shuyen. I told this to kim, she suggested I should try to walk around him sometimes but I don't dare to do it. I don't knw why I can't face him so far? If he liked shuyen, I think I will be ok for that. HAIZzzz.....

~~~离别前的饯行~~~

今天跟一大班朋友出去玩，还蛮开心的。其实今天是帮sean饯行，我们去吃buffer，唱K还有在timesquare逛街。大概到了晚上八点，我们才肯回家。他即将移民去澳洲，以后要看到他，真的很难了。我们拍了很多照片，好让我们纪念彼此相处过的时间。虽然我对他的认识不久也不深，但我觉得他是一位值得交的男性朋友。他是我们班(3D)的班长，他很尽责，也很健谈。该玩的时候，他可以玩到很疯狂；该读书时，他比谁都认真。他真的是一位不错的班长，也是一位好朋友。在相处的过程中，我们都相处得还不错。

今天呢。。。我拍了很多照片。我好笑到走到哪儿，拍到哪儿。。。哈哈！无论今天谁有去，我都有拍。今天的出席人数还不错，有主角(sean)，xinjing，vanessa，kuokoon，pohshynn，kahching，looisun，yushin，karmun，shunyee，ginnie，sim，sim's friend(不懂是谁)，samantha，yoongxin还有我。最近都不懂怎样搞得？！第一个好友(amira)转去霹雳，这个更离谱，转去澳洲= ="将多人转，就是不见那些浑蛋转！HAIZZzzz...

我特地去跟sean拍合照，其实是另有目的啦。。。我想放在msn那边，看他会不会吃醋。我觉得应该不会(除非他也喜欢我啦)，但还是想试一试。同时可以让那个死horklick误会我有男朋友了，一举两得^^ 抱歉咯，班长~~~要把你摆上台。只希望不会做到反效果，就好了。昨天我还蛮开心的！我们聊了一下，但还是我主动找他啦。我问他，“不用睡吗？”他就说：“还有东西要做”。我听到时，还蛮心痛的，毕竟他每天都很迟才睡，又常生病。我就说：“噢噢，小心你的身体”他还回我：“你也是。”我当场开心到睡不着，就因为他简单又短略的关心。有时我还觉得自己蛮容易满足的，因为他很容易就可以操控我的情绪了。刚刚我还问他假期过得怎样，他说很闷。我就叫他去找朋友，他说没朋友。我说：“怎么可能，至少你还有lk跟horlick啊。”他就说：“那两个整天都忙着出去的。”那时的我真的很想跟他说，“我可以陪你啊！”但在现实里，我是不可能将说的。HAIZzzzz。。。现在的我只好尽量在假期里陪他咯。我真的很高兴，我跟他有将的进展。现在的我将高兴，不知现在的他是否也是将的心情呢？只希望我们以后的关系，只有有增无减^^

Having A Fight Recently

I moved to a new room recently. At the same time, I had a fight with my mom because of that room too. She moved my ex-room's things with herself. She did asked me to clean my things in that room, but I was really tired and I had a lot of homework during the holiday. I knew it was a reason to help myself get out of it but she never knew my feeling when she was scolding me. I always tell her about my sadness at school or some trouble that I don't know how to solve it. When she scolded me, she was using words of abuse and some words that will break my heart.

She keeps moving things into my new room and old room and I disliked it. She is easy to mad recently, is it because of she's going to be older and older in the future? I never knew the answer, she is the only one who knew the answer. I act cool in front of her and I always answer the questions which she asked as short as I can. I know it's not a good habbit but I can't control myself. Sometimes she scold me with the words of abuse, I am ok with that but mention my sadness. She said," you really have some problems with your attitude thats why your classmates hate you!", "don't tell me you trouble or sadness" and "don't tell me who hates you at school or anything". When I heard those words, it broke my heart and I cried sorrowly during these fews night.

I felt desperation and I just cried, I don't know what to do and how should I do. Even though she was mad, she also should not scold me like that. From that moment, I started to not telling her anything about me cause I don't want to get hurt again and again. I haven't settle the problems of ml and lk but my mom broke my heart again. I thought the meaning of "HOME" is to give a person full of warm, safe and happy. Now, what I get in this home?! I just get sad and lonely. There is no any different whether I am at school or at home, I am still getting hurt from them. It's just worse even worse when I tell them my secret or true feeling. I really can't take it anymore in this home. If I had the choice to move out, I think I will...

Yesterday was his birthday but I was not giving him a present, even though a simple wish"happy birthday". I think he won't care cause he knew a lot of beauty females' friends. I asked vanessa helped me said "happy birthday" to him and asked vanessa not to tell him I am the one who asked she to say. The next day, vanessa asked me ,"why don't you wish him yourself?" I don't knw why and I don't knw how to answer her question. Maybe I just don't knw how to talk to him or anything. It's been a long time that we are not talking at school or chat in msn. I don't knw how long and when it will end? I hope the GOD will help us to solve the problem. I am keeping fit because of him and want to get better whatever"inside" or "outside".

TO: Someone That I Missed

>>>>>>>>>HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY<<<<<<<<<

Hope you will keep smiling during all the days and times, keep up the good work in study. Hope you will become more handsome... XD  

没人会听见的破碎声。。。

我到底要怎样才能不再想ml,lk跟horlick的事？！我的心真的很痛，也很彻底地碎了。为什么每次当我肯相信人时，都有人背叛我？一次又一次的伤害，只会让我把心封闭起来，也让我更想转校了。现在的我不知道要怎样面对他们？ml还邀请我去她的生日会，我不想去，更好笑的是lp问我：“不怕他生气？”。那我很想问回他，当初ml问lk的时候那问题，有没有想过现在的我，心有多痛，多难受。。。因为他们，我几乎每晚都在哭，也不想去学校了。拜托他讲话的时候，可不可以也把脑袋装进去。他到底知不知道，他所谓的无心只会让人受伤？！我没想过他既然会跑去跟sl说：“你的男友在沟我？”他以为他自己开玩笑，没事情，但他有没有在那男生的女友的立场想过这种玩笑会伤害到人？！他到底几时才肯好好地控制他那张嘴巴！

ml跟lk只是干兄妹，但我不明白他们为什么要将对我？！无论开玩笑还是说话的时候，都不经过脑袋的吗？！lk听到horlick跟我讲电话，也就算了，但没必要跟回我讲吧？！还跟我讲他几时，在哪里打给我。当他讲的时候，我真的不想知道，也不知道要把面子往哪里摆？我觉得我很没有隐私，就好像没穿衣一样。难道lk嫌他整天拿horlick来开我玩笑，还不够吗？他是不是很想我跟他反目成仇人，他才甘愿？！如果是的话，我可以成全他。有几次我跟horlick传简讯的内容，lk又跟回我讲。我真的觉得很丢脸啊！！！！

我猜lk应该把很多事情都告诉了他吧？！幸运的是他不像lk将，跟回我说。要不然，我真的会顶不顺。有时我在想，如果他真的是在学校看我的话，我们是否还有说话的机会呢？神啊~~~~请快点给我答案吧